Pitch Wars: Pavlyuchenko vs. Berbatov

Russian international, Roman Pavlyuchenko, has reportedly signed with Tottenham, filling their gaping whole at striker. Whether or not this is their last effort to support Darren Bent up front remains to be seen, but it should open the door for Dimitar Berbatov to make his desperate escape to Manchester to compete with Darren Fletcher for the Red Devil goal scoring title (I'll keep it up until somebody overtakes him.). This is the perfect opportunity to size up the two lanky forwards.

Berbatov

Pitch Pluses

• Hails from a former Communist country where he is the most popular athlete.
• He's tall, but graceful, and probably gets more Bulgarian tail than.....I don't know anyone who gets a lot of Bulgarian tail. Except Berbatov.
  
• Berba is a great target man, with excellent body control. He can set up a goal just as easily as he can score one. His instincts around the goal are superb.
• His name is pretty great. Go up to a buddy of yours who doesn't know anything about the Premier League and just say "Berbatov". I'll give you a Berba hair tie if your friend doesn't smile.

Dives

• Speaking of his hair tie, Berba wears, what appears to be, some kind of a hairnet on the pitch, despite having perfect hair. Or is it the string that makes it perfect? (Wait, doesn't Carlos Tevez wear one too? That would be an unprecedented pair up front. Quick, I'll come up with their nickname......Rooney and the Lunch Ladies. I'll work on it.)
• He whines when things don't go his way. He shows up his teammates when they make a mistake. He pouts when he doesn't get to play for millions of dollars on the best team in the world right now.

Pavlyuchenko

Pitch Pluses

• Pavlyuchenko hails from a former Communist country where he is the tallest person not currently returning home from the Olympic games or occupying Georgia. (Calm down, that's the country Georgia, I'll get you a newspaper and an atlas and we can move on.)
• He's tall, but not in Peter Crouch, four appendages going in four different directions kind of way. He's got a lot of pace for a lanky striker and is great in the air.
• He has been a prolific scorer for Spartak Moscow and, as of late, for the Russian national squad. Not just a Euro 2008 flash, he's been productive for several years. Has a chance to be a Adebayor-type player.
• A descent name, long, kind of absurd, in Russian it means, "disco warrior". (That translation is probably made up by me.

Dives

• Could get knocked around in the Premier League with such a scrawny frame. He is unproven at the level, with the kind of game speed.
  
• If he becomes a breakout player this year, will eventually want to leave Tottenham for Manchester, to fill the whole by Berba, who by that time will have left the planet to find a better team to whine for.
• Doesn't have anything to hold back his blond locks. I honestly don't know how he concentrates without something up there.

And the winner is.......Berbatov!
It's honestly his name that put him over the top, I can't stop saying it. Also, my comparisons are always very scientific. I just totaled up the pluses and subtracted the dives and it all came out Berba.