Top Four Reasons that Cristiano Ronaldo SHOULDN’T move to Real Madrid.

(I know, why four instead of five, right? Well, shortly after writing this I discovered that another site had something similar, so I ditched the reason that had some snide remark about the English paps and Spanish gypsies.)
Anyway, Bernd Schuster cannot seem to keep quiet about the prospect of bringing Cristiano to Real Madrid. He wakes up in a cold sweat clutching a Real Madrid Ronaldo jersey, screaming his name into the night. Ronaldo wants to play for the team he idolizes and they want him just as much. So why shouldn't he head south next summer?
Well, here are four reasons that Ronaldo SHOULDN'T move to Real Madrid:

4) Comparative Effects of His Gorgeousness
Let's face it, Ronaldo is a pretty, pretty young man. Spain has a lot good-looking feminine-quality laden attackers, so defenders there will not get lost looking into his eyes, convince themselves he is a beautiful woman, and give up a clear path to the goal. Whereas in England, they are used to the nightmarish likes of Wayne Rooney and Peter Crouch bearing down on them, and are stunned by the pretty boy dancing their way at Old Trafford. You ever notice how Tottenham defenders seem to swoon as he flies by them?

3) Public Perception
He will be forced to speak in his own language during post-game interviews. At which point accusations of being an arrogant narcissist cannot be countered with the excuse that he doesn’t speak great English. Quick, how do you say, “I am really fantastic, I score fantastic goal.” in Portuguese? (And what is it with Mourinho and Ronaldo and their ‘fantastics’? Is that a translation for a common word in Portugal, or does everyone in that country have a God complex?)

2) The Needy Girlfriend Theory
Sir Alex and Man Utd do not need Ronnie, Real has been pleading with him to come for months now. Real Madrid is infatuated with Cristiano. They are a needy girlfriend that is going to pester him constantly, “do you want more passes, Ronnie?”, “Would you like a new batch of hookers?”, “So, you wanted your hair cut just on the sides, and you want the back to scraggle down unkempt?”. At Old Trafford, Ronaldo gets to be with the super hot girl that everyone wants. Sure, they love him, but they don’t need him to stay.
Did I just compare Sir-guson to a super hot girl? Awesome.

1) Recent history
Sure, Real has won some La Liga titles recently, but they have been hit and miss with Los Galacticos. David Beckham, Zidane, Ronaldo (gordo), and Luis Figo had varying degrees of success, but all of them had some of the luster taken off their careers due to signing with Madrid. And Michael Owen and Roberto Carlos were devalued properties after their stay at the Bernabeu. Also, if Beckham is any indicator, then after spending some time in Spain, Ronnie will have to change his hair, marry some kind of freakish doll-looking plastic pop star person, and then it is off to Los Angeles where the likes of Xavier will be holding down the back line. Good luck with that.